icewolf: (research)
I know, I know. I've been a real Debbie Downer (you should excuse the phrase) recently.

But. But!

Things are better.

Period has started, so the hormonal bombardment has eased. Food and medication in regular doses is happening. I actually have energy and motivation to tackle the disaster area my house is at the moment. And my syllabus. Oy vey, gevalt, even. My syllabus. I'm trying something new incorporating Lies My Teacher Told Me and I'm getting very A Beautiful Mind meets Fred Burkle in season 2 of Angel with the writing on the walls. (Is it so bad that I want an entire wall of the office done in blackboard paint? Is it so very weird? Don't answer that.)

Thanks to everyone who commented, either here or in some other medium. It's not why I make the posts (okay, it's mostly not why I make the posts), but they're appreciated anyway.
icewolf: snowy wolf (Default)
In my neverending quest to de-stigmafy (it's a word now, dammit) mental illness, I need to be honest. I haven't been particularly well. I haven't been back to my self-harming, stay in bed all day levels, but I've been... meh. Sleeping when my body isn't tired, mindlessly watching the Cooking Channel, even avoiding Facebook because it's just too damn much work.

When clicking the little squares to "harvest" imaginary crops is too much work, it's time to take inventory.

Some of this is my own damn fault. I haven't been taking vitamins, I've occasionally been somewhat spotty in taking my meds. They get taken 95% of the time, but of that maybe only 75% of the time am I taking them at the times I should be, which screws further with my sleep patterns. I'm not eating enough protein with breakfast or drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, two things I absolutely must do to overcome the sedative effects of the Lexapro I take.

Some of this is not my fault. I lost an aunt last week, and buried her at the beginning of this one. I was not particularly close with her, but have found that there is a hole in my inner patchwork where she's supposed to be. Her loss was also incredibly hard on my other aunt, with whom I am very close. To say nothing of my father and my uncle. Dealing with my mother was stressful, to say the least, as her stress levels rose above what her anti-anxiety drugs could deal with.

Also there has been a significant hiccup in my home life. Since some of you readers do actually know me in real life, I'm going to abstain from details, at least for now. I will say that it did not involve infidelity, and that my husband and I are going to be putting some really nice therapists' kids through college. That being said, though, it has sucked. It has sucked royally. It has sucked like Queen Elizabeth's very own private Dyson vacuum cleaner. It's left me sad, angry, and frustrated. And, quel suprise, depressed.

On top of this, it has become readily apparent that adjuncting just isn't bringing in enough money. I love doing it, but I can't afford to anymore. So I have begun my first active job search in about 9 years. God, I'd forgotten how much I loathe it.

So where do I go from here? I called mein guter Ehemann and told him how overwhelmed I felt. As always, he stepped up to the plate. We have made plans. Trader Joe's is a godsend for breakfasts you can grab and go. We're going to work on the practical aspects of our problems together tonight. I will double down on my self-care efforts, including getting my behind into the gym on a regular basis.

Sadly, I am not one of those people who get depressed sometimes, or who have one or two episodes in his or her lifetime. Those are awful enough, don't get me wrong. But this is an everyday struggle and it just gets so old sometimes, and I feel so powerless. But as I said about a year ago, onward I go. It's hard, but it's the only way to go.
icewolf: snowflake (snowflake)
Okay, all things considered.

One thing I was not expecting was a social anxiety attack. And at a monthly bridge get together of all places!

Unfortunately, I knew only two people who were there, the host and his ex-wife. All the different people in a relatively small house and, yeah. Heart rate shot up, nausea, sweating, the whole shebang. I just wanted to snatch up Herself and flee. I haven't had one of those in years. So, uh, yeah, sorry about the weirdness, [livejournal.com profile] bkleber.

The good news is that soon enough it was time to go to my Star Wars RPG, run by one of my best friends, and with plenty of good and trusted friends around me. *contented sigh* Oh, and a shot of whiskey. Which didn't hurt.

If I had my druthers, I'd hide in the house most of the time. But I don't know how much different that is from usual. Ah, therapy. It's nice to know I'll be putting some nice Israeli kids through college.

Taking the whole week off work was worth it, though. I did have to handle some house-buying nonsense stuff, but that was blessedly minimal. It's a terrible thing to need it, but it's a nice thing that the world still gives families that suffer miscarriages some time and space.

So that's where I am. Thanks to the folks who commented on Facebook. I couldn't figure out how to turn off comments there, so I didn't. And that didn't turn out to be a bad thing. The support I got, and knowledge that people were thinking of me and my family have helped a lot. That goes for you nice folks on LJ and DW, too, who have commented on the subsequent post about the mildly inappropriate sonogram tech.

So, onward. Even though it's heartbreaking, it's the only way to go.
icewolf: snowy wolf (depression)
All you people I've told to call Catholic Charities? Stop. Don't bother. It doesn't seem that either the Archdiocese of Washington, DC or the Archdiocese of Baltimore offer straightforward depression counseling. They're taking on hunger, adoption, pregnancy, developmental disabilities, seniors, and a whole other slew of things, but not day-to-day depression.

*headdesk*

I'm so sorry. The Archdiocese of New York had such an incredible mental health set up, I assumed that it was a standard thing. Never assume.

However, I do have a few links to resources with sliding scales for those of you who are under- or unemployed.

Jewish Family Services (No, you don't have to be Jewish.)

Bayview Community Psych Center (See where [livejournal.com profile] torberg works! [It's in the same building.])

The Walker-Whitman Clinic (They got two big thumbs up from [livejournal.com profile] muzikmaker21 . Disclaimer: they do seem to only take gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and HIV/AIDS-infected people as clients. ETA: Updated per [livejournal.com profile] muzikmaker21's information below.)

The University of Maryland Medical Center Department of Psychiatry (They don't show who does pro-bono work and who doesn't, but you could call and use the code phrase, "I don't have insurance." [In medical-billing speak, that translates into "I need low-cost or free services."])

That's all I've got for now, but watch this space as I look for--and hopefully find--more.

ETA 2: The next person to use my mistake to take a swipe at the Catholic Church gets this post taken down. I didn't do this to express anger at either diocese: they're incredibly ambitious. Did you notice the list? And it's not complete. Disagree with their theology or their politics as much as you like--Lord knows I do. But don't ever tell me they're not trying.

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icewolf: snowy wolf (Default)
Icewolf

August 2011

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